Friday, Jan. 18, 2008

�Sibling Rivalry�

My favorite talk-show host has one hour a week�the last hour on Friday�when he invites people to call in on any subject they want to ask about. Anything.

Today, one caller�a pleasant man in his late fifties�called about his family. He said that he had three grown daughters, �all beautiful, successful, and believing Christians.� But there was one problem. They did not get along with each other.

The caller asked the host, �Why do you think it is that sisters like this do not get along?�

The host immediately replied, �It is a very old story. The first brothers in the Bible did not get along. Cain and Able. You see, you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your brothers and sisters. Often you are very different.�

But before he had started to give that response, one word had sprung up in my mind.

I thought to myself, all that he said is true, but it is too simplistic. Yes, we are all different. And we cannot choose our siblings. But, all of my chosen friends are very different. None are cut out of the same mold. Some are quiet, some great conversationalists. Some are easily made content; some are grouchy. Some are spontaneous; others are planners (like me). Some are risk-takers; others are cautious and prudent. I chose them all as friends. We balance each other in life. But there is one thing that would destroy our friendship, and it is the very thing that destroys relationship in siblings. Competition.

Politicians in any given party, can all be colleagues until they start running for the same office in government. Then the sparks begin to fly. Office friendships will seldom survive between employees vying for the same promotion, when there is only one available position. And so it goes.

I am not sure that competition between children in any given family, can be avoided. Since my host used a biblical example, that same source is filled with stories of sibling competition. And the results ranged from murder, cheating, war, envy � to the dividing of tribes and nations.

Yes Cain hated his brother Abel. But it wasn�t because they were so different. It was because Abel gained God�s favor, and Cain did not. The same �favoritism� battles raged on between Ishmael and Isaac; Jacob and Esau; and between Joseph and the rest of his eleven brothers. The latter was an �in your face� kind of favoritism. Joseph even had dreams of his brothers �bowing down to him� (which came to pass, by the way) and he was foolish enough to brag about his dream to the brothers. It almost cost him his life.

Of course, as we read these stories with the eyes of history, we see a plan in it all; but that is not the point of this essay.

The term, �sibling rivalry�, is not without basis. Competition occurs in the best of families, and under the best of circumstances. It could be a competition of skill, talent, or achievement. But those are not the most damaging ones. The competition which seems to push families apart, is competition regarding parental acceptance, approval, attention, or even time involvement. The parent�s actual attitude may not be at fault, but the child�s perception of that attitude is what is real to him or her.

I think that was probably the ingredient that was not mentioned in the broadcast this morning. I would wager, that irregardless of their personal differences, some level of competition was the major problem in this family.

I don�t really know the solution. As a parent, I recognize that most of us do the very best we know how. And we all make mistakes�sometimes huge ones. Every child and every circumstance has to be handled with individual care.

Someone else will have to tell me how he or she has worked through this. This is one area in which I am an observer, but only�an observer.

You see, I was an �only� child.

Text � copyright 2003 - 2008 The Homespun Philosopher

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