Sept. 11, 2007

�Thoughts on Thoughts�

First Thought: It takes time, to write.

Oh, not the actual hours that are spent in putting thoughts to paper, or proofing and rearranging these sentences. That is time consuming, but that is all on the downhill side of writing. The �time� that I speak of, is that space of quietness that enables a thought or concept to develop itself into an essay or story. I suppose that this time is an inner entity. Almost an embryonic development from a moment of conception in the soul that is eventually brought forth in the form of words. But it is not the �bringing forth� that requires the most time. It is the period of development.

When I first started recording my words in �Homespun Philosopher�, it seemed that food for thought came from everywhere.

And then in the midst of a conversation, my people began dropping little comments such as, �Oh boy. That will probably be in Homespun Philosopher, won�t it?� Or at other times� �I don�t want to be in that picture�it might end up on the Internet.�

I didn�t want people being nervous around me, so I started letting little �aha� moments slip away instead of rehearsing them in my head long enough to get them recorded. That doesn�t work, if you want to write. You must be prepared at a moment�s notice to capture a word or a thought. Our memory banks may be intricate computers that record every moment of our lives, but they are not scrapbooks that can be opened at any page and re-discovered at will. That was the beginning of a slowdown.

Then I developed a whole chorus of personal excuses in my head. I have enjoyed this past year immensely with family moving in and sharing activities. I had far less time all to myself. I was busy doing and going and didn�t take the time necessary for words to give birth in my soul. There was a lot of truth in that. And I had some (minor) ailments that I was adjusting to, and�on and on�

You have to take the time to write. And I have felt almost like I am running from it, all the while knowing that for some crazy reason I am supposed to stop. And write.

About what? Why? Who would ever read it? Is it just an exercise in obedience?

It doesn�t matter. Just do it. You know the thoughts will come. (I have one of those minds that is constantly debating one concept or another. I carry on lengthy discussions with my �self� asking every question I can think of, challenging my own knowledge and beliefs. More than one person has commented, �It must be exhausting to be You.�)

I have friends who are able to just sit and �zone�. I certainly can just sit. But zoning is a concept my mind just hasn�t grasped. And at my age, I don�t entertain high expectations in this direction.

Second Thought: Imperfection and choice�.

Did you do the best you could? (And this IS a second thought.)

It�s so important to ask yourself that question day by day. The best you could is�the best you could!

It is not perfection. It is flawed. It is walking in the integrity of saying �this is who I am, warts and all.� Tell yourself it is okay. No, it is better than okay; it is awesome. It�s the best you could do in the situation, and you really meant to do your best.

Is that a copout? No. It�s truth. I don�t know anyone who goes around saying to himself, �I will just do a mediocre job at this�at my task; at child rearing; at reacting to that situation; at meeting someone�s need; in interpersonal relationships.�

Yes, you were less than perfect. But you did the best you could. And, if you really didn�t, agree with yourself that next time you will do your best. And you won�t expect perfection of yourself. In this life, there is no such thing as perfection. That is what heaven is for.

Let go of the mistakes of the past�the wrong decisions�the �less than perfects�; the �what could�a beens.� We ALL have them. You did the best you could, with what you knew and had to work with. You, are (imperfect) YOU. And that is okay.

We all have our �icons� of (imagined) perfection. (It differs according to what areas are of importance to us.)

Known only to myself, when the idea of modern day perfection or �sainthood� would be mentioned, I couldn�t help that the name of Mother Theresa would pop into my mind. I mean, be honest...isn�t the image we have of her, one of giving up everything in life to serve the poor and dying? She did not desire or seek the celebrity that surrounded her.

Now, in my estimation, the most wonderfully genuine knowledge of her �interior� life has been published. �Come Be My Light� was just released for sale last week. It is a collection of correspondence with her spiritual confidants, written over many years of her life, which reveals her �crisis of faith� and struggles through what is sometimes called �the dark night of the soul�; an extended period (for her, most of her latter years) where doubts seem overwhelming.

Imperfection. The darkness of doubt was her constant companion, yet she walked on in faith.

Have you ever thought about this? God gave us the capacity to doubt�to question�to wonder. We were never intended to be ignorant and without reasonable questions. Sometimes we get answers. And often we seem to hit our heads against the closed doors of the heavens.

Faith is all about imperfection. It is a choice. It is a decision to forge ahead in the face of doubt, failure, questions �and imperfections.

It is written that �faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen�� It�s a choice.

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