Thursday, Oct. 19, 2006

Preface: This was written about three weeks after her father�s death. The father was terminally ill, and his death was not unexpected. Her parents were divorced, but the family remained close over the years. Her mother and father never remarried, but were sharing the same house for a while toward the end.

Letters Between Friends

Hello�

�I can�t believe my Mom�s behavior.

I expect grief- sadness- a range of emotions.

However, I didn�t expect her to attack me angrily. She wanted me to drive down to (another town about a half hour�s one way drive) to run an errand today. Hubbie was a little reluctant to put extra wear and tear on our old car if not necessary. (Writer works in this same distant town, so�) I told her I�d come by on my way to work tomorrow to save a trip.

I explained that I would arrive about an hour and a half before I had to be at work. She responded angrily and then hung up on me. I tried to call back, but she would not answer the phone.

I can�t seem to do the right thing. Not sure why this all has to be so difficult. I�m not the one making things difficult. I normally try to go with the flow.- I would�ve tried to find a solution but that was not good enough.�

She went on to say that her mom later called and apologized, and she is not sure of her mother�s expectations at this point. Her mother is dealing with a lot of depression and probably guilt (false or real). But she simply didn�t understand how to handle her mother�s anger toward her.

Dear���.

First of all, do NOT take any of this personally. It is not you that she is angry with. Always tell yourself that.

It is a very unhappy thing to come to where she is in life, and find yourself alone, frustrated, with things to do that you do not want to deal with, and�probably not having a goal with something to look forward to out in the future. Your mom is not as old as I, (I don�t think) but it is very difficult to reach this age, or any point in life where you realize that most (if not all) of the things you worked for and looked forward to in life are behind you. A whole new life has to be created. It is possible, but not easy. You don�t realize how much of your life has been geared�from childhood on�.to grow up, get married/or career, have a family, raise the children, schooling, college, grandkids�.and then you don�t plan or think beyond that. There is that word �retirement�, but you don�t know what that means. And of course even in that, you have an image of how it should be and with whom you will share it. And then life (or death) happens. You suddenly realize that you don�t have the plans for your everyday living. You may have provided financially�but the fabric of life has an unknown and indiscernible pattern.

The end of life, as the first, needs to be shared. Even if it is only with friends and acquaintances. One of the first things God said when He had created Adam was, �It is not good for man to be alone.� We always apply that to marriage, but it applies to every area of life.

Your mom has unresolved issues, finds herself alone and is unsure of the future. She feels helpless and the result is anger.

Anger is an energy, like electricity is an energy. When it is not released or used properly, it is stored. When it is stored, it either causes the body to break down, or it evolves into depression. Often both.

So it is probably a good thing that she can release some of this anger. It is not fair to you, because even though it is directed at you, it is not because of you. You can�t allow it to become abusive, but you can help her through this time.

So just know this. She is lonely. She has to go through what is a normal process. Be there for her as much as you can. Do not allow yourself the luxury of taking things personally. Give her time and help her make new plans.

Hugs

Marcia

Thank you for this. You are correct. Retirement is just a word at this time. I do have projections for what life should/could be when I find myself at that point in life.

My mom must be frightened. Alone. Sad. All kinds of emotions. She goes up, then down. I haven�t been much help with the house, really. Seems like something always takes me away, First work, then bad wisdom teeth. Then children issues�the this learning disability stuff. This is the first week I�ve been �off� to rest and catch up.

I guess I don�t need to make excuses or you or myself.

Here I am with life going on. There is my Mom, alone in the house. I can�t IMAGINE that.

She does have friends-but, that doesn�t replace decades worth of togetherness. Seems she was kept awake all these years dreaming someone else�s dream. I didn�t write that. BONO did. (Like him or hate him, sometimes he says neat things.)

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