March 2, 2006

Just call me Yentl

I don�t know if I still have any readers out there. It has been so long since I have written. Maybe those bloggers or journalists who have more or less committed to writing on a daily basis have the right idea, even if all they have to report is their day�s routine. The commitment keeps them writing. Those of us who wait for �inspiration� to strike are far less likely to have much to say.

But that is not my real problem. It is that I live a sort of dichotomized life. I suppose everyone does this to some degree.

I have very little difficulty writing about my �exterior� life. The problem lies in the fact that I go through great periods of time when my interests are focused in another direction. When I am dealing with �interior� things, I don�t want to write on any other subject.

I realize this is weird�for a layperson�but I go through long stretches when I am very focused on spiritual or theological studies and reasoning. Just call me �Yentl.� I would have loved to be a Rabbinical student who studied and debated such subjects on a daily basis. (The debating being the essential feature.) I am not an arguer. I hate and do not do well in an argument. But I love debate, discussion and reasoning.

I am not one of those people who enjoy playing games on the computer. Nothing wrong with that�. but I am on-line doing research about one thing or another while they are playing their games. It�s just who I am.

I love to acquire knowledge and understanding. I love clarity of thinking. One of my mentors has a motto: �Clarity Over Agreement�.

I am never content just to agree, without understanding why and being able to explain it. That makes me nuts.

I know. �I am too old for this �.�. But it is who or what, I am.

I recently read this Anne Lamott quote from her book, �Plan B�.

�Age has given me what I was looking for my whole life. It has given me �me.
It has provided time and experience and failures and triumphs and time-tested friends who have helped me step into the shape that was me. I fit into �me� now. .. I�ve learned to be the kind of person I�d wished I�d meet.�

Now, the writing problem lies in this. You my readers would most likely have one of four responses if I posted my theological/Biblical forensic analysis du jour. (The subject I am wrestling with at that moment.)

You would be bored stiff.

You would thoroughly disagree.

Your life would be dealing with an entirely different subject at any given time.

Or�you just might be interested.

I think that if a person honestly confronts himself and his beliefs, he will inevitably have a season of wrestling with God. There is a huge difference between wrestling with God, and wrestling against God.

One of my favorite Biblical characters is Jacob. His story is found in the Book of Genesis. Jacob was a real mess. He lied, cheated, swindled, lusted, ripped off his father-in-law and ran for his life from all the people he had ripped off. But he had just about come to the end of himself, was tired of running, and wanted to change what he was like. You see, beneath it all he had a hunger for God and was sick of himself.

In desperation, he confronts or is confronted by God as he reaches the banks of the brook Jabbok, trying to escape his father-in-law and scared to death of running head-on into his brother. Jacob finds himself in a wrestling match with God which is basically a personal struggle ending in a major life change. He is never the same after that night. And it is a very good thing. But the clincher is that God so honored this �wrestling with Him� that he told Jacob that his name would be changed from that night on, to Israel. And the greatest honor of all, was that a whole nation of people became named after him. So what is the significance of �Israel� as a name? It basically means, �to wrestle with God.� And to not give up until you reach the place of �blessing�, whatever that means in your case.

Well, change my name from Yentl to Israel. That�s sort of the story of my life. I am always �wrestling with God� about something. But I am not wrestling against God. And I have learned something of great value. Afterward, some things I will know. Many things, I will not. And in those things, I have to make a choice. Believing is a choice. And that, my dear reader, is what FAITH is all about. Choosing to believe after we have gone as far as we can in wrestling to understand. We come to our River Jabbok, and we don�t let go until we receive the blessing.

So you see, I spend a lot of time dealing with these matters. Remember�I want to �grow �til I go.� But when I go through long stretches of this, you don�t hear much from me on my journal.

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