May 13, 2003 12:50 A.M.

A Conspiracy

This picture is just to interest you. It has nothing to do with anything that follows. But I took it several years ago at the foot of the lighthouse in Newport, Oregon, looking south down the Pacific Coast.

All my life I have heard the term �the good old days�. And I have often wondered, what was so good about those days. They had far less time, to do much more laborious work, and had none of the time saving conveniences of this era. I was thinking about all this one night as I lay in my automatic adjustable bed, with a remote control to raise or lower the head and foot, while using two more remotes�one to switch off the lamp on my dresser after climbing into the sack, and the other to control all facets of the TV which automatically turns itself off at the desired time. Oh yes, another of my bedside remotes enables me to play my stereo radio, CD, or tape deck without so much as moving a muscle�except my index finger. So what�s with the �good old days�.

Well, I�ll tell you what I think that REALLY means. It is talking about the days when things were not so complicated! I have to admit, it almost takes a computerized inventory just to keep track of all those remotes. Not to mention an encyclopedic instructional booklet for each electronic device�just to learn the rudimentary details of the operating systems. I kind of take all this for granted, and just don�t raise the bar very high on my expectations of learning much about these techno-wonders. I just learn the basics. That satisfies me.

But when someone starts messing with some of the simple, sacred things that are the national icons of the American household, I start to get a little upset. What is that other old saying: �Don�t mess with perfection?� Well some people think you should. That�s when some very simple things become more complicated than they ought to be.

Take Oreos, for instance. Remember the old jingle, �Oh, a kid�ll eat the middle of an Oreo first, and leave the chocolate cookie outside, for last.�

Well, try and sing that today with the chocolate middle and the vanilla cookie outside!

Nabisco created the crowning example of the cookie, and they just couldn�t leave it alone. I read this somewhere, ��over 362 billion Oreo cookies have been sold since it was first introduced in 1912, making it the best selling cookie of the 20th century.�

I try all sorts of cookies, and I really like some of them. But I always come home to a bag of Oreos and a glass of ice cold milk, when I need to feel warm and fuzzy. So what happens? I go to the store to buy a bag�and I am stunned. First there was �double stuff��well that was okay. But I never could figure out which were best. Original or double stuff. (I need to decide these things.) Then�they decided that people would eat �em by the handful if they made them �mini-sized�. Well, that was easy. They were not even a good sized bite. Then they tried to become �health conscious�. Reduced fat. Puleeze!

Then someone must have thought that if the chocolate cookie outside was great, more chocolate on the inside would be better. Wrong! Well, okay, maybe the chocolate inside was not the ticket�let�s try �fudge covered�! Plain, and mint.

They were chocolate and orange for Halloween, chocolate and pink�for Christmas. Then came��Double Delight�! (By this time, I am beginning to twitch with consternation.) Double delight coffee�and double delight mint�and the ��pi�ce de r�sistance��double delight peanut butter - which I will have to admit�just might be an improvement on the original item. Maybe!

And now there are the new variations on mayonnaise�.and �remember plain boring old Cheerios? They USED TO BE good for your heart�.now they are honey nut Cheerios, Cheerios with strawberries, Cheerios with mixed berries�.where is this going?

You see what I mean about the �good old days�? Those were the days when it only took a person less than two hours to grocery shop. When life was simple, and choices were easy to make. You used to �run by the store� on your way home from somewhere else. Now you have to set aside a day for grocery shopping.

Well, I guess that�s all I�ve got to say about that. I have already had my Oreos and milk, so I think I will curl up in my automatic bed and switch off the light across the room (in that order). I need to get some rest.

After all, I have to go out and do some grocery shopping tomorrow. My mind had better be rested and sharp for all those decisions I have to make.

Oh, for the good old days!

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